Realization

     At this point in my life I realize two things; nothing is the way it was suppose to be and its all going to be okay.
When I was younger I used to spend my time thinking about how much money I wanted to make, or what car I was going to drive. Little did I know that at the age of 21 I was going to settled down with two kids. (Yeah me, the girl that didn't want kids!) I was suppose to be in Miami, studying accounting, with a mercedes, a cosmopolitan, and a 1200sq ft condo. Ha! What a dream! The thing is when I found myself a couple of years later, with two screaming babies on one of those long, middle of the week days, I couldnt help to break down and cry along with them. Why me? I didn't want kids. In fact, I knew plenty of people that wanted my kids, that couldn't have their own. But for some reason in heaven, I got not one, but two in the course of a year and a half. As I sat there crying, I asked God about a thousand questions. When I got no answer I quietly picked up my boys put them to sleep. Then I read a book, while I waited for my relief to come home. How many times did this occur? Maybe three or four times. What made it worst was while I was struggling with God asking why, I had others telling me the same thing. "OMG Jessica, you're so young and you have to kids, and you didn't even finish school! What happened you had big plans?'' And I would reply "I know, but I love my kids!" When really I was thinking, "Thank you Captain Obvious, don't you feel better about yourself. I'm trying my best to go to school. DON'T RUB IT IN AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" But of course that wouldn't wouldnt be very "Christian like" to say. A lot of times those comments didn't bother me because I knew who I was in God's eyes. But when I had those long days speeding from daycare to work, back home and then chruch, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. So I waited for an answer from God. And slowly, but surely it came. There were a lot of things that I had thought of when I was younger. Things such as success, money and education. What I didn't think about was God's plans. Not only God's plans, but God's plans with me specificly. All those things I could've obtained, but it wasn't going to make me happy. And God knew that. God knew that if I would've followed that trail, I would've had it all and had nothing. So he gave me my two boys. And he showed me that other than Him there could be someone that would love me with all my defects and imperfections. That no matter how many times I put them in time out or disciplined them, they wouldn't runaway and cry. Instead they would run to me and cry. Because no matter how many times you correct your child he'll cry, but he'll cry in your arms. God knew that although I thought I didn't want these angels from heaven, that was exactly what I needed.
Through it all God has shown me, that my thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). And I've come to realize that if it's God's plans... it's all going to be okay!