Regaining My Selfishness

My husband had a week off work and it gave us a little more time to talk. We opened up about what we wanted to do in the next year and what was bothering us. Shockingly he tells me, "you don't really dress up like you used to." Imagine my face.. o_0 Huh??? And he continues, "I mean your trying to be conservative for your beliefs and all, but when you wear a long skirt, a long sleeved shirt, and its all hangy, it doesnt really look good. Its too much!" And to think I thought I was trying to be holy! HA! I realized, although my husband finds me attractive in anything I wear, I can't get too comfortable. The problem was I was replacing the money I would spend on my self for clothes for my kids. And even though that's important I need to remind my self to spoil myself too. I was also refusing to buy clothing because I had gained all this weight after my last baby. And it wasn't much weight, but I dreaded to be the "fat" girl. When I heard this from him I panicked, but he explained to me that it wasn't that he wasn't still attracted. He simply wanted me to regain my confidence and my love for myself once more. One of the many traits he loves about me is my confidence and I understand that he wanted to set me back on track. So this weekend we emptied out my closet and have been shopping for 3days now. I have to say that I appreciate him making me realize where I was headed. I was feelng like a piece of me was missing, but now I'm whole again. I never understood how moms could become so careless about themselves after kids, but its not that, its lost of time and money and love for your kids. I vow to continue to take care of my kids just as I've been doing, but also making time to spoil myself. I once heard a housewife on T.V. say "They come younger, but not hotter!"; and when I'm done with my journey I'll be saying the same!

Ash Wednesday for a Pentecostal??

So today is Ash Wednesday. My husband is a Catholic and I am a Pentecostal. PROBLEM?? No. See I have learned to have an open-mind about everyone's beliefs. And that includes me being able to except him as a Catholic. So I got ready, dressed the kids, and headed off to mass. Now I've been to mass several times before. I must say it's nothing like my church, but I like the peacefulness of it. As everyone piled into the church, I saw more people than there usually are at a regular mass. And I saw all the faces, white, black, asian, hispanic come together and do what is meant to be done on Ash Wednesday. REPENT! It was such a beautiful service! The humbleness, the sincerity, all of it. Maybe its not what I was brought up to practice, but it touched me. The sermon talked about repenitng and accepting the forgiveness that Jesus offers us. Many of us don't do that. We go to our churches, follow the routines, but still beat ourselves up about the same stuff everyday. Even though we ask GOD to forgive our sins we don't forgive ourselves. Thus, not truly accepting his forgiveness. But these people did. They prayed, they asked, and they left with their crosses of ash across their foreheads. All while believing they truly were forgived. And whether others think they are or aren't it doesn't matter, because to them God accepted their repentence. Thats all that matters really. Who are we to say, oh that's not the right way, or that's not the truth. The truth is as the bible says ALL THAT BELIEVES WILL BE SAVED (John 3:15). Although you and I know there's more to that; GOD's love for all humanity, allows us to worship him in our own way. So I vow to look beyond the label of religon and accept what is, for what it is. I don't feel as if have to hide who my family is to be true to one thing. So I say it as it is; I'm Pentecostal, my husband is Catholic, and I choose to show my kids both sides of the equation, so in the future the holy spirit within them can guide their hearts to the path GOD has already pre-destined them to walk in. For as I said before who am I to decide what is right or wrong?

Realization

     At this point in my life I realize two things; nothing is the way it was suppose to be and its all going to be okay.
When I was younger I used to spend my time thinking about how much money I wanted to make, or what car I was going to drive. Little did I know that at the age of 21 I was going to settled down with two kids. (Yeah me, the girl that didn't want kids!) I was suppose to be in Miami, studying accounting, with a mercedes, a cosmopolitan, and a 1200sq ft condo. Ha! What a dream! The thing is when I found myself a couple of years later, with two screaming babies on one of those long, middle of the week days, I couldnt help to break down and cry along with them. Why me? I didn't want kids. In fact, I knew plenty of people that wanted my kids, that couldn't have their own. But for some reason in heaven, I got not one, but two in the course of a year and a half. As I sat there crying, I asked God about a thousand questions. When I got no answer I quietly picked up my boys put them to sleep. Then I read a book, while I waited for my relief to come home. How many times did this occur? Maybe three or four times. What made it worst was while I was struggling with God asking why, I had others telling me the same thing. "OMG Jessica, you're so young and you have to kids, and you didn't even finish school! What happened you had big plans?'' And I would reply "I know, but I love my kids!" When really I was thinking, "Thank you Captain Obvious, don't you feel better about yourself. I'm trying my best to go to school. DON'T RUB IT IN AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" But of course that wouldn't wouldnt be very "Christian like" to say. A lot of times those comments didn't bother me because I knew who I was in God's eyes. But when I had those long days speeding from daycare to work, back home and then chruch, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. So I waited for an answer from God. And slowly, but surely it came. There were a lot of things that I had thought of when I was younger. Things such as success, money and education. What I didn't think about was God's plans. Not only God's plans, but God's plans with me specificly. All those things I could've obtained, but it wasn't going to make me happy. And God knew that. God knew that if I would've followed that trail, I would've had it all and had nothing. So he gave me my two boys. And he showed me that other than Him there could be someone that would love me with all my defects and imperfections. That no matter how many times I put them in time out or disciplined them, they wouldn't runaway and cry. Instead they would run to me and cry. Because no matter how many times you correct your child he'll cry, but he'll cry in your arms. God knew that although I thought I didn't want these angels from heaven, that was exactly what I needed.
Through it all God has shown me, that my thoughts are not His thoughts (Isaiah 55:8). And I've come to realize that if it's God's plans... it's all going to be okay!